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An Examination of the Toys
First of all, it's staggering how many
choices there are for kids today: blocks, books, trains, remote-control
devices, videos, video games, baseball mitts, Legos, you name it.
Since Jack is only about 18 months old,
I knew that whatever toys I bought, I had to avoid stuff with small,
ingestible pieces. So when I went into ZanyBrainy, I stuck to the
2-and-under area.
One series of toys that broke my "no
small pieces" rule and therefore was off-limits was "Bob the Builder."
There are "Bob" sets where Bob builds a park, drives a truck, fixes the
barn, etc. The trucks and other heavy equipment are all smiling, eager to
work. Nice image, but as a rule, I frown upon giving children toys that
are going to imbue them with false images of real life.
The Problem with Bob the Builder
Let's face it, the picture of Bob, in
his neatly pressed overalls, checkered shirt, and organized tool belt,
doesn't exactly jibe with the public image of the average contractor: on
line at Dunkin' Donuts with considerable crack leaking out from a sagging,
greasy pair of Levis, and with eyes so bloodshot from partying the night
before that you'd swear his retinas had exploded. To make the "Bob" series
more realistic, they need sets like the following:
- Bob and Muck Go to the
Unemployment Office to Collect During the Slow Winter Months. The
set includes real forms, hard plastic chairs, a window with a real
blinking light, and a long, long "snakeable" line!
- Bob's Trailer: See where Bob
Lives! With Pretend Crumpled-Up Beer Cans, Porno Collection,
and Court Summonses for Overdue Child Support Payments.
- Workmen's Comp Roger: Bob's
Lazy Cousin who files a false workmen's comp claim. Comes complete
with Private Investigator Frank, mini-binoculars and camera, and
video evidence of Roger on a trampoline with an iguana.
- Strip-joint Bob. Includes
Curvy Nina and Kyla the College Student, fifty imitation
one-dollar bills, and a removable bulge for Bob's groin.
- Bob Experiences a Teamster
Slowdown. In this set, Bob has a frown on his face as he struggles
against Dan, the Union Spokesperson. Try to reach a settlement
with the union before the concrete solidifies in the waiting
trucks and you lose hundreds of thousands on overtime!
Where Did My Favorites Go?
After examining dozens of toys, I went with the Thomas Train series, even
though the faces on the fronts of those locomotives freak me out. It's a
bit frightening that there are trains out there so eager to carry me and
my friends around.
There were so many toys that I couldn't
take home that I felt like an adopting parent visiting an orphanage. Also,
although I was able to find a couple of my favorites, like See-and-Say and
the book "The Monster at the End of this Book" with Grover, where was the
Sit-and-Spin? I loved that toy for the natural highs it gave me, until I
graduated to heroin.
And what about those self-powered cars
you sat in and chugged along with your little legs? And what of the
Fisher-Price moon buggy? I rode mine until the wheels fell off.
Where were they?
Oh, to be a kid again. At least there's
toy shopping.
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Above: The Crayola Floor Easel and the Chicco
Ride-Along Train. Both come included with
pudgy, healthy playmates for your child.
Above: Bob the Builder.
He's just
a little too proud of himself, in my
opinion.
Above: Help a struggling young
writer afford hard liquor and
anti-depressants.
Above: Push-n-go Thomas and
Pull-along Thomas--two fine
toys for youngsters 2 to 82.
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