Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Queer Eye (or "The Eye" as my wife and I call it) has caused me to
question the solidity of my heterosexuality. Don't get me wrong, I
absolutely adore women, especially my wife, but this show is the only one
on the tube that compels me to watch all the way through. I'm talking not
moving from the sofa—at all. In case you've never seen it, let me give you
one straight guy's assessment: Carson is unbelievably witty, Thom can fab
up a dead room like nobody's business, Ted knows exactly how to criticize
a guy's shitty eating habits, and the positively luscious Kyan can "zhuuzsh"
my hair anytime. (The fifth member of the Fab 5—Jai,
as in the sport of Jai Lai—I'm
not so crazy about.) I realize this isn't giving you much insight into the
upcoming season, but I was getting confused and had to get my feelings
out.
Monk
In a stroke of brilliance, this season the writers for Monk succeed
in revealing just how deep the obsessive-compulsive detective's neuroses
go. In the season premiere, we learn that Monk isn't a detective at all;
he's a waiter at Spago Beverly Hills and the entire series has been taking
place in his mind. Now that's a case of
solipsism you can take to the bank!
Frasier
With Frasier and Roz together, and Niles and Dafney married, many viewers
are convinced Frasier has finally run out of steam, but not so. In
upcoming episodes, loyal viewers can expect hilarious hi-jinx in which
Frasier's dad becomes an understudy with The Pussycat Dolls and his dog,
Eddie, runs for Mayor of Seattle. Also look for a special guest appearance
by the entire Cheers gang, in which we find out that Cliff the Mailman has
become Sam Malone's bitch.
Saturday Night Live
In an effort to boost SNL's flagging (Dare we say, flaccid?)
ratings, the producers will be expanding the "live" concept to include
spontaneous porn. I don't want to give away the action, but let's just say
that Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon will prove they're good at a lot of things
besides reading the news. Expect a whole lot of desk-shakin' going on.
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter
With the sad and sudden death of the show's star, John Ritter, rumor has
it that the producers are going to take an ultra-realistic approach this
season. To that end, they'll be introducing a stepfather who brings with
him a somewhat modified eight simple rules:
1. Don't eat all the food in our refrigerator.
2. You can look but you can't touch. (This means no sex, punk!)
3. If you get a stiffy, keep it hidden.
4. No footsie under the table during dinner.
5. Remember, I know where you live and I have a machete.
6. Oh, by the way, did I mention I used to be a Navy SEAL and did time in
Leavenworth for aggravated battery?
7. Don't mess with my collection of Civil War figurines.
8. Ditto #5.
The Sopranos
In one hilarious episode this season, Tony Soprano and the crew make a
point of driving around the New York metropolitan area, bashing in the
skulls of street vendors selling illegal copies of the show's DVDs.
Afterwards, they take a horse-drawn carriage ride up to Tavern on the
Green, order a ton of food off the menu (no prix fixe for them!), and
leave without paying. Hey, not for nothin', but who's gonna stop them, the
maitre 'd? You?
Las Vegas
James Caan stars in this NBC
homage to/sixty-minute advertisement for the city of Elvis, Wayne
Newton, and the late Chairman of the Board. Little is known about this
sleeper of a series, however viewers can expect plenty of skin from
model-turned actress Molly Sims, who plays Caan's daughter on the show.
Also look for Sonny's sister's husband, Carlo (from The Godfather),
to show up on the strip uninvited, prompting another ass-kicking by Caan.
The West Wing
This fall, Martin Sheen steps down temporarily as President Josiah
Bartlett because his daughter was kidnapped by terrorists at the end of
last season. John Goodman, who plays the Republican Speaker of House on
the show, will step in as President (the VP resigned). Viewers will watch
with bated breath to see just how fat Goodman will get and whether his
corpulence will match up to our nation's fattest President,
William Howard Taft.
King of Queens
All I want to know is, how the hell did that porker hook up with the
hottie from the Quaker State commercials?
Everybody Loves Raymond
No they don't. Some of us think Raymond's a whipped and sniveling wimp.
Friends
Okay, listen. I don't want to give too much away, but my inside man at NBC
informs me that we can look forward to a good-old orgy between the six
friends. There'll be plenty of 70s "chicka-wa-wa" music, with guest
appearances by Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson. Keep an "eye" out for a
possible hookup between Chandler, Joey, and Ross's monkey.
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ZHUUZSHABLE:
Kyan Douglas, grooming expert
extraordinaire on BRAVO'S Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy—Tuesdays
at 10pm on BRAVO.
If I were gay, he'd be my type.
.
 
SNL's SECRET WEAPON: The porn
team of Fey & Fallon.
ALSO ZHUUZSHABLE: Molly Sims
on the new NBC Drama Las Vegas.
THE FORGOTTEN "FRIEND": Ross's monkey,
Marcel, returns for a little action.
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