Why you ask?  Well, like everyone, I used to curse the arrival of junk mail—credit card offers, solicitations from charities I'd never heard of, "pre-approvals" for loans I didn't want, or fake handwritten messages from guys named Keith who had a great opportunity for me. I was aching to know who or which company sold my contact information so I could hunt them down and beat them with a pipe. Keith, too.

Since that course of action would get me nothing but a cell in Bendover State Penitentiary, I just tossed the stuff. The trouble was, the more of this crap that I threw out, the more that seemed to arrive in my mailbox. I suppose I could have written to the companies and told them to take me off their mailing lists, but being the slightly paranoid character that I am, I imagined them using my letter as confirmation of a "live" address and then selling my name to yet more companies. What could I do? Answer: Boomerang marketing. Or put another way, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

In case you still want to go the pipe-     beating route, Home Depot carries a nice     selection of stainless steel and copper     pipe.

About six months ago, I began writing these "mini" stories—stories so short that they fit on an ordinary business card, about sixty words total. This gave me an idea.

When the next batch of junk mail arrived, I cleared a workspace on my desk, spread out the envelopes, and went to work. What I was looking for was the BRE.

This gem, with its "NO POSTAGE NECESSARY IF MAILED IN THE UNITED STATES" message printed in the top-right corner, enables you to send correspondence back to the company. Of course, said correspondence is supposed to be related to what the company mailed you (e.g., a completed credit card application), but this didn't stop me.

So far, proceeds from my efforts have been slim, although I have noticed a few sales from Des Moines and Boone City, Iowa—two American towns that seem to have a preponderance of BRE receiving offices. I wish I could be there to see them open my BRE and find one of my marketing letters. It's lines like this that make me proud: "Believe me, I wouldn't bother wasting your company's postage if I didn't truly believe in these books."

I remember seeing a piece on NBC's Dateline a while back about a guy in Alaska who used junk mail to heat his home. While my method of dealing with this intrusion is not as environmentally friendly as his, I still think it's an effective, mature response to an ongoing problem. I call it boomerang marketing—they throw it out there, but it goes right back at 'em!

I encourage you to start your own boomerang operation today. Got some junk in your garage that you need to sell? Type up a shitty flyer and stuff 1, 5, 10 in a BRE and be done with it. Want money but you're too proud to beg on a city street? Type up a letter and ram it in a BRE. Heck, you can tape BRE's to bricks and send 'em. I've done it. Of course, I don't know if the bricks ever got there, but it was satisfying. And if you don't have the energy or if you don't have a product you want to promote, you can send us all of those BRE's. Just email us with your address and we'll snail mail you a SASE big enough to send them back to us. Thanks for your support.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have 127 BRE's left to lick.  Good day.

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