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Hello, and welcome to the sixth installment of NotWriting.com, an open
journal on how one writer spends his time when he really should be writing.
Thursday's announcement by Mayor Bloomberg's office that New York City was
seeking a new Commuter Tax hit me and other commuters like an MTA bus. To
be plain, I'm pissed about this.
For about ten minutes after hearing the news, I entertained fantasies of
starting a mass movement to protest this—a
flashy website, flyers, rallies and a bullhorn.
However I quickly came to
my senses when I realized that, being a little paranoid of germs, I didn't
like shaking people's hands, and that the activist route, an inherently
political activity, would require a lot of glad-handing.
So I decided to write instead. I wrote a
Letter to the Editor, which was picked up by Westchester's Journal News and Long Island's New York Newsday. Then I
decided to get gritty with my campaign and write to the Mayor directly,
something I urge you to do as well by
clicking here. Below are the five emails I sent to the Mayor
over a three-hour period this morning. Enjoy.
Dear Mr. Mayor:
As commuters, I and other non-NYC
residents already contribute a great deal of revenue to Metropolis
(both directly and indirectly)—in
sales taxes; monies spent in restaurants, stores, theaters, and with
city vendors; tolls, train fares, and parking expenses; entrance fees
for museums, historical sites, and other cultural attractions; plus
our state income taxes, which subsidize city schools.
Commuters are not able to enjoy the
city and its services as much as you argue we do. The true
Commuter Tax is forgoing sleep and time with our families to leave for
work earlier and return home considerably later.
Whether we come by train, car, bus or
ferry, commuters are the lifeblood of the city. To reinstate the
Commuter Tax is tantamount to taxation without representation, for who
represents the interests of commuters in city government?
Answer: no one.
I propose a compromise: put the old
commuter tax back into place. This is a reasonable percentage
that will give the city the increased revenue it needs without
strapping commuters.
If you'd like, I am willing to debate
you, on public television, on this issue. Perhaps we could get
that old guy on Channel 4 to have us on his show.
I realize your schedule is pretty full
most of the time, however Tuesdays and Thursdays would work best for
me because that's when I commute into the City
(I teach part-time at Baruch College).
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Chris Orcutt
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Writing's fine and
all, but if you're
trying to get your
message across
to a large, unruly
crowd of
malcontents, you're
gonna need
a
combat bullhorn.
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Dear Mayor Bloomberg:
Hi there. It's me, Chris Orcutt.
Once again I'm writing you about the proposed Commuter Tax.
I've given this tax quite a bit of thought,
and I don't like it. The way you currently have it set up, if I made
$100,000 (I used to make more than this, but alas no longer—I
quit my job last December to do this sort of thing), I'd have to give the
city over $3,600! Since this is chicken-change to someone as rich as
you, let me describe how this would affect my life and the lives of my
fellow commuters:
1. First, let's get the numbers down:
$3,600 works out to $300/month, or $69.23/week, or $9.86/day.
2. If this tax goes into effect, I and
other commuters will have to give up something to cover it. In my
case, I will not be able to afford an apartment. I will be homeless
in Westchester County, which, if you consider the state of public
transportation here, is a scary thought.
3. I and other commuters have gambling
debts. My vig to Jimmy the Zipperhead just happens to be $9.86 per
day.
I don't need to tell you what will happen to me if I can't pay.
4. Sometimes I buy boxes of donuts
(assorted) for my classes. Two boxes cost just under $10.00.
If you insist on the Commuter Tax, my hard-working students can kiss
goodbye to their treat.
Anyway, please consider my argument. And by
the way, I'm still open to that public debate.
Sincerely,
Chris
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Above: Mayor Bloomberg thanks a Crate &
Barrel customer service person
for allowing him to make an exchange without a receipt.
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Dear Mike:
An hour has passed, and I haven't heard
anything from you or your team since I first proposed the debate.
Maybe you don't think I'm serious. Well, to prove that I am,
let's discuss the format:
1. We need moderators. Allow me
to suggest Gabe Pressman from WNBC-4, Tim Russert, Woody Allen, and
Johnny Knoxville (the guy from MTV's Jackass).
2. Let's have a prepared question
format. Since I'm not an experienced debater, I'd be more
comfortable if I could get the questions ahead of time and prepare my
answers. Although I did win a plaque for 4th Place in the
Persuasion category of an inter-collegiate forensic competition, I
know that this is the big leagues and I'll need extra time.
3. Let's be sitting down instead of
standing. As a commuter, I often have to stand on the train, so
my legs are usually tired. Besides, a sitting debate seems
friendlier.
4. As for beverages during the debate,
I insist on Nantucket Nectars. Their cranberry cocktail is
lightly refreshing and much tastier than plain water. Regarding
food, I recommend Pret a Manger, the British sandwich chain.
They have an excellent "Super Club" that I think you will agree lends
itself to the debating of serious issues.
5. This should be a marathon debate,
not unlike the Muscular Dystrophy thing that Jerry Lewis does on Labor
Day. We debate all day and into the night. Toward the end,
we bring out jugglers, sword-swallowers, and contortionists.
Maybe you and I could do a tap dance routine and finish the debate
with an a cappella rendition of "My Way."
Have your team consider the above and
get back to me. Oh, and remember, as far as a date is concerned,
Tuesdays and Thursdays would work best for me. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Chris
Dear Mike:
Hi, it's me again. Still no word
from you about the debate. That's okay. I realize you're busy.
I've been thinking some more about this
commuter tax, and I still don't like it. Please hear me out.
You see, my friend Lou and I have Sugar
Mamas who work in the city and make the big bucks. While Lou and
I make pretty good money, our ladies haul in the dough.
How about this for a compromise: in
families where both members of the couple work in the city and the
woman earns more, you only tax the men. This way, guys like me
who have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle don't have to make
big sacrifices. I think this is a fair idea.
The problem is, a Commuter Tax would cut into our lifestyles—big
time. Lou would have to sell his cigarette boat, and me?
Well, I'd have to forgo big purchases from Amazon and imported beers
like Bass Ale. I'd have to start drinking domestics again, Mike,
and let me tell you, it's not a pleasant prospect.
Get back to me.
Sincerely,
Chris
P.S.: If you get a chance, could you
bring back a seashell from the Caribbean for me? One of those conch
shells would be great.
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Above: Mayor Bloomberg
showing off his designer
eyeglasses.
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Dear Mike:
I'm currently in a manic phase, so I can't
sleep. Been having a lot of thoughts about this Commuter Tax.
Think I've got alternatives you'll like. Here goes.
1. Sidewalk tolls. Okay?
Instead of raising subway fares or hammering Commuters with a nasty tax,
start charging a toll to anyone who uses city sidewalks. Put up
turnstiles at every corner and charge a penny a block. You walk 30
blocks, you pay 30 cents. It's brilliant, right? Creates a use
for pennies again, and it cuts down on jaywalking.
2. Charge people for breathing city air.
Millions of people suck in life-sustaining oxygen every day and don't have
to pay for it. This is a huge untapped revenue source. To make
it work, everyone in the city (commuters, residents, cops, and yes, even
governmental personnel) must breathe through hoses with meters strapped to
their backs (not unlike water or electric meters). While doing his
business each day, a person would walk past invisible detectors imbedded
in lampposts that would read how much air he has consumed that day and
bill his credit card. Of course, if the Olympics come to the city
down the road, we'd suspend this law—processing
would become too complicated.
3. Tourist tax. If a person wants to
come to New York to spend money and take pictures, she should have to pay
for that privilege. No exceptions.
4. A REALLY BIG pancake breakfast.
You know, like firehouses used to do. I have an excellent recipe
that I'd be willing to donate to the cause. We could charge $100 a
head (all-you-can-eat), or only $50 if a person brings his own syrup.
Anyway, these are just a few of my ideas.
Get back to me on these and the debate. Stay strong.
Sincerely,
Chris
(In case you don't believe I sent the
above,
here are the original emails with their auto-replies.)
If you are a commuter in the New York City area, I urge you to contact
the mayor, and if you are a New York State resident, your
assemblyman and
state senator.
Have a nice day.
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©2002 Chris Orcutt and notwriting.com. All rights
reserved. |
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