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Hello, and welcome to the eighth installment of NotWriting.com, an open
journal on how one writer spends his time when he really should be writing.
A week ago, I wrote a series of letters to New York City Mayor Mike
Bloomberg, pleading with him not to pursue reinstatement of a Commuter
Tax. The mayor's office appears to be weighing my
proposals
because despite going so far as to challenge the mayor to a televised
debate on this issue, I haven't heard anything from his team yet.
In the meantime, I think I've come up with a better solution than simply
raising taxes. My idea? An "a la carte" plan—have
commuters pay only for the services they use. With this in mind, I decided
to write to the Mayor again to tell him about it.
Dear Mike:
Hi, Chris Orcutt again. Remember
me? I'm back, and this time I've got an alternative to your
Commuter Tax.
I call it the "New York City Services a
la carte Plan." Here's how it works:
If you're a commuter, you pay for every
service you use. For example, if you get off the train in Grand
Central and toss your coffee cup, you deposit a penny in a box on the
side of the trash can (like those honor boxes they have in the candy
aisle at supermarkets). To check a book out of the New
York Public Library, you pay a nickel (still a bargain); but if it's
late, there's none of this 10- or 20-cent fine crap—jack
those fines up to 10, 20 dollars a day and watch the
revenue roll in.
The idea I gave you
last time about charging for air is probably a bit extreme, but
putting coin slots on public drinking fountains isn't. For
a nickel a person gets a pint of wholesome, thirst-quenching New York
City water. Think of the revenue!
Other examples of
my "a la carte" or pay-as-you-go plan:
- You drive, you
pay to maintain the roads. You walk on the sidewalks,
you pay into strategically placed turnstiles around the city (a
penny per block).
- If you don't use
the police or fire departments, you don't pay. But if
you get mugged or someone sets you on fire and New York's Finest or
Bravest have to save your ass, you write them a check on the spot
($100 returned check fee) before they help you.
Because of your
300-word limit, I have to go now, but I'll be right back with more
creative suggestions.
Sincerely,
Chris Orcutt
Mount Vernon, NY
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Above: Mayor Bloomberg standing
in
front of the gold-plated statue in
Rockefeller Center. Because no one
knows what the hell this thing is,
the mayor proposed melting it down
to help close the city's budget gap.
This plan, although met with some
skepticism, is being considered
by the City Council.
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Howdy, Mike. Chris here again,
with more ideas for the "a la carte" plan. Here goes:
1. Never go to the parks or historical sites? Don't care?
Don't pay for them. Make the people who use this stuff—the
tourists—pay
for it.
2. While we're on the subject of tourists, let's talk about the
Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. Last I checked, it cost $10 or $12 to go to these places. I have no idea
how much of this money the city gets, but I have a suggestion on how to
boost it considerably. What you do is, you put up mechanical
screens (instead of the current fence-like barriers) and charge people to
take in the view. It would work like those old peep-show booths,
remember? (You probably don't, but one of your veteran staffers probably
does—ask
him.) Anyway, it's great, right? Get 'em up there, and just when
they think they're going to see the view, they've got to pay the city
another 10 bucks a head. The view of the city is a precious
resource that has been squandered for too long. It is time to
rein this in, Mr. Mayor.
3. Okay, let's talk about the Staten Island Ferry? Free? Not in this
economy, bud. Charge 'em 50 bucks a head, and believe me, they'll
pay. (You have any idea how long it takes to drive into Lower
Manhattan from SI during rush hour?)
4. Public bathrooms. Keeping the urinals free is fine, but you
gotta put coin locks on the stalls. This'll reduce the number of
#2's, thereby trimming the city's sewage treatment and Roto-Rooter bills.
5. What about snow removal, you ask? Don't do anything. Make
commuters and delivery trucks retrofit their own vehicles with plows or
snow blowers. Each commuter should have to make his own way.
Once again, gotta go (word limit again), but I'll be back.
Sincerely,
Chris
P.S.: Still no word on that debate. Is it the Nantucket Nectars?
Because if so, I'm flexible.
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Above: Mayor Bloomberg adds much-needed
revenue to the city's coffers
by moonlighting as an auctioneer. Here the mayor attempts
to generate buzz for nicely wrapped, empty boxes.
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Dear Mr. Mayor:
I have a final suggestion for raising revenue (instead of the Commuter
Tax), and then I plan on demonstrating the practicality of my
pay-as-you-go plan by paying for my past use of New York City
services.
First, my final idea involves cars that get booted or towed for unpaid
parking tickets. What a waste! Don't tow 'em, sell 'em!
Employ a few convicted car thieves to steal the cars of known ticket
evaders, and sell the cars at auction. Think of the money!
Now, as for my own past use of city services, I will be sending a
check, made out to "The Great City of New York," to cover my share of
the burden. The following list details how I owe New York money,
and how much.
1. Trash. In two solid years of commuting, I've probably
thrown out, on average, six items a day (cups, wrappers, half-eaten
pretzels, etc.). Figuring five weeks' vacation (I had a
good deal at my former employer), I worked 47 weeks a year, or 235
days. At a penny an item, my share comes to $14.10.
2. The NYPL. In the three years I've commuted to NYC, I've
checked out 29 books; however seven were returned late. Using an
average late fee of $15/day, my total bill here is $106.45.
3. Driving/walking. I've commuted into the city by car
only four or five times, so let's call that one a wash. However,
I've walked exactly 11,296 blocks. At a penny a block, I owe the
city $112.96.
4. Public fountains: three times. Let's say fifteen cents.
5. #2's in public bathrooms: six. At a quarter a piece
(generous) for the coin-operated locks, this comes to a buck and a half.
6. SI Ferry: once. $50.
7. Views: former WTC, once; Empire State, twice. Total:
$30.
My grand total for services used: $315.16. Please let me know
where to send the check.
Sincerely,
Chris Orcutt
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Above: Not unlike an NYC
homeless person, the
author humbly begs his
audience to spare
a buck or two.
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Above: The author's check to the City
of New York for past services used. Shown actual size.
If you have alternative suggestions for
Mayor Bloomberg, please
annoy us with them. Your feedback is succulent and delicious, so
bring it on.
Have a nice day.
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©2002 Chris Orcutt and notwriting.com. All rights
reserved. |
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