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Above: The Webalizer graph showing
hourly
usage of notwriting.com for December. Notice
the conspicuous increase in usage between
two and four o'clock. There's a lot of slackin'
going on out there in corporate America.
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Recently notwriting.com was chosen by a Yahoo! editor as a "best
pick," which explains the 250,000% increase in hits. Because of
the tremendous new flow of traffic, we wanted to get a clearer picture
of our users, so we had our team of web trend data specialists develop
a profile of the average notwriting.com visitor. Here's what we
discovered:
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S/he is, on
average, 15 pounds overweight.
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S/he likes sex.
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S/he does not like
having his/her thumb pounded with a hammer.
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S/he took 6-9
years to earn his/her bachelor's degree.
-
S/he has been
fired from at least 7 jobs.
-
S/he has a stash
of dope or peanut butter in the closet.
-
S/he are closet
Neil Diamond fans.
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S/he has
inordinately too much time on his/her hands.
No need to sugarcoat
it—let's
hear from some of the users themselves. Here's Bill Paxson of Des
Moines, Iowa:
"I'm procrastinating
getting to work on a Monday morning. So, here goes. You are quoted as
saying:
'...from Des Moines and Boone City, Iowa--two American towns that seem
to have a preponderance of BRE receiving offices.'
It is true. Inexplicably, Iowa has several towns with 'subscription
fulfillment centers.' However, the fair town of Boone is not properly
referred to as 'Boone City.' So I suggest you make the correction,
lest you show yourself as embarrassingly unschooled in the finer
points of Iowa geography.
FYI: Boone was named after Daniel Boone's brother, if memory serves,
and is the birthplace of Mamie Eisenhower. Throw these two little gems
out at a cocktail party, and the cognoscente will be duly impressed
with your expertise in Iowa lore.
How's that for killing some time?!"
That was great, Bill. Now
let's get a woman's perspective. Leslie wrote in saying she was having
trouble getting inspired. But not after we gave her some advice:
"Hi Chris,
You're right, drinking helps!
Ok, so you seem like a funny guy, so I'll send you
this link that I did for a friend of mine. I am currently working
on revamping my portfolio and have looked for every excuse in the book
not to do it, as I really enjoy being on the dole. Anyway, he keeps
asking me How Is Your Portfolio Design Coming, so I just sent him this
little piece of visual art. Then I told him about your site, as a way
of explaining my current frame of mind, and hoping that he'd stop
asking that stupid question. Maybe you'll get a chuckle. Either way,
I'm leaving you alone now. ok bye."
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Above: The author, not writing. He's
off in another room, studying for the
damn GREs. The cat continues to
guard the balls of crumpled paper.
Above: Not unlike an NYC
homeless person, the
author humbly begs his
audience to, in the great
tradition of 1-800-COLLECT,
spare
a buck or two.
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