With this in mind, I undertook a mini email campaign to harass United's management, which is spinning this entire bankruptcy debacle with PR crap like the following (straight from their website):

"United is taking steps to secure its position as a leading player in the global airline industry.  Throughout this process, United will continue to operate around the world, providing the safe, reliable and high-quality service and customer programs you have come to expect from us.  We expect we will come out of this process a stronger and more competitive airline."

Here's the first email I wrote to United's customer relations department, addressing the vagaries of the above PR statement:
 

Dear United Airlines Management:

As a frequent flier of your airline, I was devastated to learn that the Company will soon be filing for Chapter 11 "Reorganization."  I then went to your website and read several PR statements that, while certainly in keeping with the noncommittal  tone of such messages, fail to really let customers and investors know what's going on.  I have enclosed below a copy of one of your messages, as well as my suggested version.  If you choose to run with my version, please note that my standard rate is ten dollars per word, or all of the mustard pretzel-packs I can carry.  Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Chris Orcutt

Your version:
United is taking steps to secure its position as a leading player in the global airline industry.  Throughout this process, United will continue to operate around the world, providing the safe, reliable and high-quality service and customer programs you have come to expect from us.  We expect we will come out of this process a stronger and more competitive airline.

My improved version:
United is having a little trouble paying its bills and therefore has submitted paperwork that will allow the corporation to "reorganize" and "forget" about the $900M it owes creditors.  Throughout this process, United will continue to fly the friendly skies, however our on-board meals will likely become a bit leaner, and your seats will mysteriously shrink to the point that you'll wonder if it's you, if you've gained weight.  Relax, it probably isn't you—we've just added another row of seats.

We, the principal shareholders and executive team, expect to come out of this process richer and more arrogant, while our loyal employees will either have to collect unemployment or get jobs at 7-11.  During this trying period, we ask that you not engage in behavior that could sabotage the airline, including, but not limited to, the following: stealing First Class dinnerware and seats for home use, taking excessive free beverages from our complimentary beverages cart when the flight attendant's back is to you, or turning in our pilots who might have had an a fermented beverage or two (to take the edge off) before your flight.  Thank you for flying the friendly, fearless skies.

In my next email to United, I addressed the somewhat ad hoc nature of their plane repairs. For those of you who aren't aware of this issue, it was revealed earlier this week that the company uses tape ("Oh, but it's speed tape!") to "temporarily" patch holes in the wings of aircraft.
 

Dear United Airlines Management:

I was wondering if you folks needed some more of that speed tape. Since you're filing for bankruptcy soon, I thought you might have a little trouble getting it, so I contacted a buddy of mine.

It turns out that I know the chief engineer for the U.S.S. Theodore Roosevelt—an aircraft carrier—and he tells me that they use speed tape all the time on little "holes" in the ship's hull.  He says that, for tape, the stuff is basically indestructible.  Once, in the Indian Ocean during Desert Storm, the entire ship cracked in half, but he and his crew were able to hold it together until they reached port by wrapping 7,000 rolls around the ship.

Anyway, they've got a surplus of the stuff, so if you want it, just let me know. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Chris Orcutt

P.S.: What brand of speed tape are you guys using?  Jack, my engineer friend who I mention above, swears by 3M, but some folks like Scotch.  Also, just so you know, this isn't "magic" tape—the kind that disappears; you're going to see this stuff.  But, it's really sticky and it's really strong.

Poking around the "employment" section of the United website, I discovered that while regular positions with the airline were slim and none, they were hiring one type of worker: security guards.  At first, I couldn't figure out why, and then it hit me—they wanted to prevent their employees (the ones who would soon be axed) from destroying the companies few remaining assets. Having been a security guard one summer, I decided to apply. First, here's the ad:
 

Security Officer
Provides a wide variety of security duties both indoors and outdoors. Some job duties include, but are not limited to, guarding and protecting gates, entrances, buildings, facilities and other designated posts; patrolling designated areas; documenting records of patrols; protecting against any acts of sabotage, destruction of, damage to or theft of property or facilities and assisting in apprehending the guilty party or parties. Must be able to work shifts, rotating days off and holidays.
Qualifications: High school diploma or equivalent preferred. Valid state driver's license, including a good driving record. Two years related experience as a security officer or in the law enforcement field is required.
 

Dear United Airlines Management:

I am writing to apply for a position as a Security Officer with your company.  I see here that the position is for your San Francisco office, but I'm hoping you'll be open to me commuting.  I live near LaGuardia Airport in New York and could commute via one of your planes.  I don't even need a ticket; just give me one of your "jump" seats like the attendants have, and I'll be fine.

My experience as a security guard is well documented in a story I wrote by the same name.  Our job during that assignment was to guard a telephone company yard during a strike.  I'm proud to say that while we did kill time most nights by driving golf balls into an abandoned warehouse, we smoked doob (from a bong) only twice on the job.

My philosophy on guarding is simple: act tough and be annoying enough so you discourage larceny and vandalism, but if the shit really hits the fan, get the hell out of there.  I mean, if you're paying me $6.25 an hour, you can't expect Dirty Harry, am I right?

I do have a full-time job at the moment, but I can work nights, every night.  Ever since the sleep center in my brain was damaged in a cow-milking accident, I can get by on two twenty-minute cat naps per month.

Get back to me.

Sincerely,

Chris Orcutt

 

Above: This photo of United's best flight attendants
was taken a mere two hours before they were all
shit-canned.  Not to worry, however; from the left,
Maurice is now managing a very nice Burger King
in Modesto, CA; Tina is making a living fulfilling
a lifelong dream as a backhoe operator; Mia is
writing a screenplay; Sandy is an exotic dancer,
and uses her United uniform to add a little extra
kink; and James, on the end, has found himself
a sweet little Sugar Daddy in Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
.

Above: A United pilot stops his plane dead
on the tarmac while he checks with his
bank to see if the direct deposit of his
paycheck came through.
 

Above: Little do these smug executives
know, the flight attendant serving them
just spat in their food, after having her
ass groped and learning that she would
have to take a pay cut to keep her job.

  Above: The U.S. aircraft carrier named after
the father of our modern navy, Theodore
Roosevelt.  If he knew they were using "speed
tape" to repair holes in the ship's hull, he'd
be bloody pissed off.

  

Above: There's nothing quite so
comforting as knowing there
are thousands of uneducated,
low-paid men out there
wielding billy clubs.

Above: The author, still not writing.
He's on the phone with United Airlines
 trying to save or transfer 17 Mileage
Plus® miles before the company goes
down the shitter.
 

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