HERSHEY'S REPRESENTATIVE: Hello, thank you for calling Hershey's today. My name is Diane, how can I help you?

ME: Yes, hi. I was calling about your chocolate bars. Actually, it's about the packaging.

DIANE: I can answer any questions you might have.

ME: Yeah, that'd be great. You see, the reason I was calling is...I mean...listen, why'd you change the packaging?

DIANE: That's a good question, sir, and let me first say that we've gotten quite a few calls about the new packaging.

ME: I bet you have.

DIANE: The two reasons we've been given are...well, one is that the new packaging is much more camper proof.

ME: Camper-proof? You mean like if you're in a campground, bears can't smell it, that sort of thing?

DIANE: (Chuckles.) No, sir, tamper-proof. The marketing group felt that the plastic would make it easier to tell if someone opened it and-oh, I don't know-slipped poison in there or something.

ME: Diane?

DIANE: Yes?

ME: No offense, but when was the last time you heard of someone trying to poison a Hershey bar?

DIANE: I can't say that I have, but-

ME: Okay, so it's more tamper-proof. What's the second reason?

DIANE: Well, apparently a lot of customers were complaining that the chocolate wasn't fresh when they got it. The plastic keeps it fresher longer.

ME: It's always been fresh when I've gotten it, but that's a legitimate point. Now can I give you a couple counterarguments?

DIANE: Absolutely, that's what I'm here for.

ME: Alright, my wife was the one who noticed the new packaging in the first place, and let me just say, if you guys keep the plastic stuff, you're gonna lose a lot of customers. My wife loves Hershey's. Now she won't let us buy it because of the plastic wrap.

DIANE: I'm sorry to hear that sir.

ME: So am I. Anyway, one thing she pointed out, with the plastic, the chocolate melts a lot easier. Then it sticks to the inside of the package.

DIANE: Oh, that's no good.

ME: Yeah. The other point was-and I have to admit, I never thought about this before-you can't rewrap it with the plastic. You either have to eat the whole thing in one sitting or throw out what you don't finish. That's incredibly wasteful.

DIANE: I don't know if this matters to you sir, but you're not the first person to call that hasn't liked the packaging. We must get a couple hundred calls a day about it.

ME: That's good. Look, it's no scientific survey, but you ought to tell your marketing people this. Anytime I've gone into a grocery store since you changed the packaging, I've made a note of the Hershey's boxes at the checkout stands. They're a lot more full than they used to be. If people are anything like Alexas and me, they're just not buying the things. To be frank with you, it pisses us off. I mean, why'd you have to go change it? It's just one more case of the "plasticizing" of our society. I realize plasticizing's not a word, but it's the best thing I can come up with to describe how I feel.

DIANE: That's very good.

ME: Thanks. Listen, Diane, this isn't personal. I just want you to know, I'm not angry with you. It's just that you get tired of being jerked around and manipulated, you know what I mean? The old wrappers had character. It was like you were getting a little piece of history. This new stuff, this plastic, whose brilliant idea was this? Don't they see, this is the sort of crap that's wrong with this country. Nothing has any meaning anymore. And I don't care what you tell me about freshness and tamper-proof, you and I know they did it just to save a few cents on every bar. Gotta make that profit, right? And I bet you don't see a nickel of it. It's all for the shareholders. It's just not the same anymore.

DIANE: It's funny, my kids were saying the same thing.

ME: Saying what?

DIANE: They were telling me how it's not the same, how it just doesn't taste the same.

ME: You see, that's interesting because it's my understanding they're doing this whole thing to make it more appealing to kids. How old are they, if you don't mind me asking.

DIANE: No problem, they're 12 and 16.

ME: Sounds like somebody in marketing's a real friggen genius.

DIANE: (Chuckles.) Yeah. To tell you the truth, I was pretty shocked they felt that way.

ME: So what are we going to do about it?

DIANE: Excuse me?

ME: How can we fix this? I want it changed back.

DIANE: I'll be sure to relay your comments on to marketing, sir, but other than that-

ME: All right, well, could you give me an address to write to? I find that companies take letters much more seriously.

DIANE: Absolutely. You can reach the public relations office at PR@hersheys.com.

ME: Got it.

DIANE: Just don't expect an immediate response. They get a lot of emails, so they usually can't respond right away.

ME: Not a problem. Hey, thanks for your time.

DIANE: Anytime, sir. And good luck.

ME: Thanks.

(Click.)